The only people for me are the mad ones - the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
- Jack Kerouac
I'm Julie. 23, formerly of Denton, Texas. Co-creator of the "Exasperated Rory" meme. I'm a horribly rabid Whovian. I also love Pokemon, various other video games, the weather, cosplay, taking pictures, painting pictures, and hanging pictures on the wall.
So what did I learn?
Sometimes, the simple act of reducing the number of responsibilities, stresses, and social conflicts by even one thing can help you start to heal. I think that my hiatus from Tumblr has done a lot of good, and I will probably continue to pop on and off throughout the summer as needed.
Last time I said that, I forgot it when an opportunity was presented to me that I really should have waited on. I should have let myself heal. Instead, I heaped more pain on an already broken person. So this time, I have to let myself heal properly. That means defeating my depression, and working on myself. I’m still going to have good days and bad days. There are going to be times when I do hurt. There are going to be times when I am discouraged and feel like nothing ever goes right for me. But, there will always be good times, too.
This was a tough one for me. I got a particularly harsh criticism from a very close friend and just about shut down everything. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to talk to them again. It was my choice. I wondered if not going back would be brave. Would I feel like I’d made the best decision? Ultimately, I gathered my courage, and just talked to them before I made a final decision. I was met with an apology and a message of support. No matter how frustrated people get with me, I need never lose sight of the fact that no matter how many times I screw up, my friends respect and love me, and that love extends to holding up a mirror to me and showing things I don’t want to see about myself. They don’t do it to hurt me, they do it to help me. Forgetting that will always lead to feeling attacked.
I am notorious for procrastination. Often, this extends to homework and housework. I like to put them off in favor of things that are more fun, like Tumblr or cosplay, or even just reading. However, doing those things before I do anything else is quite rewarding, and leaves me not worried about getting the important stuff done because I put it off. Now, I’m not perfect, and I will stumble, but I really want to keep this up. (For the record, I’ve already worked on my homework before writing this.)
I’ve told everyone I’ve been trying. For a long time, I’ve been a not-quite-mature-yet girl faced with very adult situations. How many people can say they actually know what it feels like to be married (I wasn’t married, but I was living with someone and it was pretty much the same thing). What happens when that person abuses you? Others? How do you deal with yourself when it’s over? What happens when you have to support yourself financially? I thought I handled these situations well, but towards the end, the choices I made were starting to catch up to me, and I was realizing that I’d been on a sinking ship without knowing it. The problem? I’d reverted to making childish decisions. And as my depression got worse, as I got more and more desperate to get away from my problems, the more I reverted to that childish mindset. The key is doing the things that are hard, even when you don’t want to, like doing homework instead of other things. That extends to financial things, emotional things, and physical things.
I used to always discount the small wins because of big disappointments. But, I’m trying to recognize when I do things right now. Or when small good things happen. Or when I’ve worked hard and accomplished something that’s important to me, even if no one else cares.
So, that’s what’s been going on with me. I’m glad to be back, and I’ve missed you all!